Time left...

Time goes by so fast. I have only 2 more days until Christmas!! I have shopping to do and cookies to make with the kids. I want them to have a great Christmas even though money is very tight. For the most part, they seem to understand that money is tight and they won't be getting too much. We got a tablet for Abigail for her computer. She will be able to do more of her artwork and post it to her deviant art much more easier. I also got her an awesome cell phone with unlimited texting, a cam, and it is also a mp3 player. Its the kind you buy the cards to put money on. Its a slide phone. She has been wanting to get a cellphone for awhile, and being 14 years old, I think its important for her to have to keep in touch and be able to let me know what is going on. For Zachary, I got him a touch mp3 that is also a video player. I also got him some hex nano toys and the series transformers. I am waiting for his WII guitar hero kit to get here. Other than these gifts, I am just going to get a few more small things for them. For Liberty (my 6 year old niece) and Kamyl (my 11 year old niece).... I am not quite sure what I am getting them yet. They live with us and are like daughters to me even though my parents adopted them. I will be going shopping tonight and tomorrow and I am sure I will get it all done in time.

2 steps back

Well, I find myself unemployed once again. Its a long story and I do not quite understand exactly why I was terminated. The administrator would not give me the main reason(s). I had finally went in to work after calling every day for almost 2 weeks and asked to talk with someone. I was given my check today, so I can buy a few Christmas presents for my children, my nieces, and perhaps a few close friends. I do not know what I am going to do now. I feel depressed, confused, and lost. Am I going to be able to get another job? Will I be able to provide for my children? My goal to move out by the spring is in question now. Perhaps I should move to another state and try to get a job? Hell, I don't know...

Motivation needed!

Stagnant. That is how I have felt the last week. I feel like I set my daily or weekly goals, attempt to get them all done only to feel discouraged when I do not get them ALL done. Today, I need to contact my school and get some issues resolved. I also need to call my new employer. I have SEVERAL issues to deal with and get resolved with my work. It seems like they have done things ass backwards. I have worked around 4 shifts and they still have not had me fill out my new employee paperwork!! I have called and left messages and have not received a call back. I did finally call and talked with the DNS yesterday, but she said she was dealing with a "crisis" and would call me back later in the day. Well, she did not call me back. Around 4pm, I called the human resource woman and left a message about the new employee paperwork. I *do* want to get paid for the work I did!! I am going to give the DNS until around 1pm today to call me back. If I do not receive a call back by then, I am going to go into the facility to talk to the DNS and human resources. I am also going to copy down Corporates phone number in case I need to call and explain everything to them. Damn, I wish I just could get a job at the hospital!!

Precious sleep

This last week has been especially stressful for me:

SCHOOL: I am having difficulty with my schooling. I am taking courses online and it seems like I can never get a hold of my academic adviser or my financial aid adviser. I call and leave voice messages. They have called back once or twice, but it was during work. Seems like we are playing phone tag. *laughs* If I remember correctly, colleges do a math and reading test to see what level the student is at. Well, this was not done with me. The college took my credit classes from 10 years ago when I attended a local college. They placed me in a intermediate algebra. By the beginning of week 2, I knew that the class was a bit too difficult for me, and that I needed a lower level math class first. I contacted my adviser. Her first advice to me was to give it another week, use the live online tutorial more, and try my best. Well, I did and the class work was still too difficult. I got in contact with her again, and she emailed me a form to drop the class. Today, I got an email saying I was withdrawn from the college due to lack of participation. I called and they said I was still actively enrolled....?! My academic adviser is off until Monday. I am SOOOO tempted to switch to Phoenix University Online.

WORK: As far as my new job goes... I lost my wallet the SAME day I went in for a urine test and the criminal background check. The administrator looked at my driver's license and my social security card, but they did not make copies. Now that I lost all of my vital information, work is asking for copies. I have been working there for over a week, and have not filled out any new employment papers (something that is usually done before someone works), and I don't even know what my hourly wage is. The first day of orientation I was brought to the nurse's station and introduced to the LPN that was going to be orienting me. I actually used to work with her at the hospital here. She had no idea she was going to be orienting someone. Neither of us were given a orientation checklist or guide. We got 2 admits right away and I ended up doing one and then helping with the other. I had not been oriented to their admit process or paperwork, but I did my best. Second night was a repeat of the first night: 2 admits. So, I did not get a chance to follow the nurse and get the evening routine down. Next day I worked was RCM training. I have no clue when I will be able to work again due to lack of my social security card and my driver's license. I have a copy of both documents that I made a few months ago. I would think they could just accept these since the administrator saw both documents. I also don't know when I will begin working as RCM, I have been told about 3 to 4 different situations. I am getting fed up with the whole unorganized manner at which my employer is handling my new job.

SLEEP: I am also starting to have trouble sleeping again. I am hoping my bad insomnia does not return. There were months where I was staying up until 3-5am and then getting up with the children. If I was lucky, I would get a little nap.

DEMONS: I am also starting to have nightmares again. I have not had these strong nightmares in quite a while. I wake up either screaming, talking, crying, or all of these. I do not know how to handle the issues I am dealing with that I think are causing these nightmares. I don't know if I should talk to someone about them, or just keep it to myself and figure out some way to deal.

Well, its 12:30am... I have to get up around 7am. I am actually feeling a bit tired, so I am going to attempt to go to sleep. I am going to try thinking happy happy joy joy thoughts as I go to sleep. Hopefully, I will wake up with the sun in my face after a night of peaceful and uninterrupted sleep.

Ni night all!

KINKY CHRISTMAS

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INTROSPECTION

You know those certain times where you feel like nothing is working? Like you can not do anything right no matter how hard you try to do what is right? I keep trying to do what is expected of me, what is right... but all I seem to be doing is screwing things up. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs like a wild banshee and pulling every last strand of my hair out. I wonder if it would be better if I took a break? Step back for awhile and take some time. Time to think about who I am, what I am; who I want to be, and what I want to be. I need to be more introspective ... look inside of myself... Hopefully this will help. I need to know what I want of myself and how to achieve the goals I set for myself. Maybe then, I will be ready to give more of myself to those I love and care about.

Time flies....

Wow! I just logged back onto here and realized it had been a few months since I have been on. I think I was on at the end of August and it is December now! Christmas will be here before we know it. I got a new job and will be starting Thursday evening. For a couple of weeks, I will be the evening charge nurse and as soon as the current Nurse Care Manager leaves (he has already given his notice), I will be their new nurse care manager.
I was really hoping to get back on at one of the hospitals here, but I can not sit around and wait forever. I will be oriented for 2 days on the long term side and 2 days on the skilled side. I will also get training for the manager position. I will get on the job orientation/training and also they will be sending me up to one of their facilities (probably in Portland). There I will be trained for 3 days. I was feeling quite a bit of anxiety over my new job, but I am feeling better now. Its just the fear of the unknown and working again after a couple months off.
Although it has been a couple of tough months, there are some things I am thankful for and happy about. The time off has given me the time to become closer to my 2 kids, ages 14 and 10. I have also got some things done that I felt like I never had the time to do. Also, with my previous job, I was working 12 plus hours a day. I know that this is unhealthy for me and my relationships with my kids. I need to become very organized when I become the nurse care manager. I know the importance of putting your all into your job, bu my family comes first.
Right now, I am dealing with quit a bit. My mind feels so full of thoughts about my life, the choices I have to make, and living with those choices. I need a mini vacation... go somewhere quiet, think everything over, work on me being introspective (something I have not done much of at all, but I know this will help me find more out about who I am, what I am, and what I need in life.
Well, I should have been to sleep hours ago. Damn insomnia!

Hard Days

Every day is different. Yesterday and the day before was a good day. I actually made it through them without crying. Today on the other hand, has been very hard. A lot of unanswered questions...

Dealing with the inner demons

Every day I am learning more and more about myself... who I really am... what makes me tick... and so much more. I literally found myself laughing through my tears last night, realizing how physical pain can rarely bring a tear to my eyes while emotional and mental pain can cause me to sob uncontrollably. Sometimes I think about when I was a little girl, and ALL the things I went through. I know I am a strong person inside. I know that I can overcome the things that are holding me back in life... I just need to dig deep within me, and pull out my strength, my courage, my power. I need to face these demons head on and show them who is boss.

Home

This is it... what I want my house to look like. Now, my son may not agree...but I think it would be a perfect place to live. My daughter would love it as well. *meows happily*

Tori

Damn...I love Tori Amos. She is so beautiful, powerful, and her songs touch a special place in my heart. This song makes me think of change... things that are happening in my life right now.

Somewhere new *grins*

I ran across this site looking at someone's profile on a site a visit frequently. Looks like something I might enjoy, so here I am. Looks like a place to post things about my life, my thoughts, ramblings and the sort. This is a time in my life when a lot of changes are occurring. But changes are good. Without change, we would not learn... would not grow... Without change, there would be no butterflies.